Your life has been APPROVED! -__- Finally

People, maybe only some certain individuals, kept telling me that I need to get my life on track and in order...even some good friends talked about it behind my back with people, people I knew, people I know and people I care about. That is not why I decided to get my life back gear. I did it because someone doubted me. I was going to do it when I was ready but they started questioning my dignity, self respect and goals and motives in life, and didn't trust my decisions but at the same time...I am not sure I was able to trust my own. My mind entered this dismal pit of doom and everything I did was without thought and resulted in consequence. I apologize for the ones I annoyed, taunted, didn't trust and doubted,  and lost respect from because those where and still are people I care about. I think they doubted me near the end but I never did. That is where I fell deeper into the dismal pit of doom. Since I feel deeper in it has been nearly a year of climbing out and looking at myself and saying, "how did I get out?" More importantly though is, why? Yes, it was a combination of proving people wrong and doing what they thought I couldn't or wouldn't do but it was also me trying to achieve the goals I lost sight of. I was working at the construction site one day and Bernie (step dad) gave me a talk the other about learning all the trades and working my way up etc...but I wasn't interested in working all trades and I realized I would be stuck there for a very long time if I didn't grab my nuts and do the shit I needed to do. It was the middle of the day and I ran outside, called my Mom and told her I am leaving the job site. I burst out sobbing and screaming saying that this is not how I want to live the rest of my life. I don't think I ever cried that hard in my life but also with as much passion about achieving what I want in life. So anyway...I went down to CBC the other day and sat in on a post session of a Titanic documentary. It was awesome, though, I won't bore you with details unless asked haha. (^oh shit my nose is bleeding BRB^) Anyway, yeah, school is going great. Overall, I'm doing pretty great. I still need to shake the rust off but my engine sill runs well....lmfao, whoever is reading is probably thinking, "what the FUCK does that even mean?" I mean SCHOOL! I'm still a bit rusty with the STUDY STUDY STUDY Mayhem thing but it's coming along better than expected haha. (my nose stopped bleeding :3) I still play bass but I've gotten tons better since summer lol not sure how but I just did xD PRACTICE! Same with piano and guitar! Unfortunately I'm not a piano Godess like Carla but I think I might be able to school her with some improv one day ;P lol I know like 3 songs on piano believe it or not lol haha. I was out with Haley Clarke the other day to help her get her phone setup so people can contact her lol ...then on Heywire (internet texting service) I texted her from some random ass number when she was walking home at 2am saying, "I've been watching you for a while." "I see you" "Haley" lmfao and basically I made her shit her pants haha BUT I didn't know it was 2am lol and I didn't know she was walking home alone! So I feel BAD! Sorry -__- lol so now she won't talk to me ANYWAY, I had an exam today -__- actually didn't go too bad  but I FUCKED the bonus question up the ass unfortunately :/ Yeah, that translates to I DIDN'T GO SO WELL! Hey I am an ADHD kid with 20 classes, YOU CAN'T WIN THEM ALL! So, right now I am just writing the blog and when I am done I am probably going to work on my post audio assignment and then a bit of my sound synthesis project and then play adventure mode in Super Smash Bros. Brawl because I haven't beaten it and I started from the beginning! YAAWWN! I am tired so I'm gonna go get er done before I fall asleep! LATER GUYS!

Night : )

I'm Not The One

It is summer time again, there is only one thing that bothers me now...we never carry a conversation...whenever I say something it is always these one lined responses I get like, "wow" :Oh my: etc... I want to be able to talk with you not say something and have it end on "oh dear." But I guess it is also me...always making stupid immature jokes that makes it hard for you to take me seriously and it probably gets old after a while. But the one thing I don't want is to have to think about this every time we have a conversation. I don't want to try and force conversation either. :/ lol I don't know what I want exactly but I know we are happy so I think that is what really matters.  Oh sweet summer time :3

The main thing is that I don't want two weeks of this "summer" to last and have to wait for July again for you to be happy. It is tiring seeing you upset all the time. I just want you to give an effort. Like yesterday and now...don't you think I am upset about alley?  Yes I am but I made the effort yesterday to be happy and cheery with you...yeah I talked about it but I didn't mope about it the whole time because I want to be able to laugh, and smile and have fun with you. You shouldn't have to hope mope with me because I am feeling crummy. That wouldn't be fair. But I was faking being happy...just because I am putting in that extra effort to be happy doesn't mean I am faking it. Actually after I put in that extra effort I don't regret it because I am relieved that I am happy. It feels good to be happy with you. I just want you to do that with me when the New Year comes around please. That is all I ask babe. We can have our summer all year long if we both make that effort : ) will you?

Have you ever seen the sky, when the sun and moon collide?

That was depressing. There is this difference in understanding I don't think you realize and I understand now why like you get upset with me. It is because we aren't on the same level. You treat music as a hobby and I treat it as a career. Both are VERY different things and if you are going to do things my way or the "career" way it will be much more serious, more challenging, more stressful and MUCH MORE time consuming. That is why I get intense. Honestly, I haven't changed since you first met me. I was doing this exactly the same with my music. Same intensity but I don't think you realized that yes we are reading the same book but we are both on two very different pages. You are on page 62 Chapter 3 Hobby. I am on page 306 Chapter 30 Career.

This is what I want to do with the rest of my life! It is like when you do your healthcare work and stuff and I know sometimes doing that work must get stressful but imagine it the same way for me. Get these recordings done is my homework. What makes it more stressful is that I have other people working on my "homework" with me. I try to get as much as I can get done in one session and I have told you this. So if I am trying to rush things and I say shut up...I am sorry, there is stress involved because if I don't get enough material ...then I can't finish my homework...example, Screeech I still haven't finished. We need to have you come and finish it still.

Honestly, I don't want to worry about this anymore. I know you are right though, I need to keep you in the loop and let you know what I am doing and keep in touch with you better because you love, worry and care about me and I was wrong for not doing that. I am sorry Carla, I love you so much. We just have to be understanding from both sides now.

also, just adding, I don't want you to feel like i am ignoring you guys because I am playing with someone else.  This could end up being more serious. You know that. If it happens then I will be happy...i just want you to be happy for me if it does instead of possibly bitter.

I love you, you know that...when you think about it...if any of this comes inbetween you and I then that will be silly. I love you too much for any of this to get in the way but I am going to go after this. After all, you motivated me even further ;D

I love you

Goodnigth.

shh..be quiet, you might piss somebody off

I just hit my funny bone on a chair and my entire hand has gone numb asldfjasldkfajsd it is very weird  .dflaksjdf

So I think I have stressed you out a lot lately and that was one thing i wished i would never do. I don't wnat to stress you out and I have been and it is not nice for me nor you. I am  sorry. : ( i just really don't know what to say... I feel really really bad. I wish I had said, take it for granted that I never bother you, too late for that now eh? : (  I just want you to me so happy and without any stress. I am also sorry that I am stressing you out around...this time, if you know what I mean. It just makes things tem times worse and I hate myself for doing this to you. I feel terrible and I know you are going to tell me not to but I do : ( and I am sorry.
I am tired and hungry so I am going to go eat then sleep but thank you for everything thing you have done for me and thank you for putting up with evertything. I love you so much and I want you to be so very happy.

Goodnight my love

What I want I'll take, what I don't I'll break

Hey, I haven't written to you in a while mister blogger. Tell put things short. My life is pretty good but I am not making the most of it. Our generation is being called the LAZIEST GENERATION  and I have lots to show for that. I am not proud of it and I want to do better. On the other hand, I have been writing songs, I actually just got my bass taken away around 2am because I was playing it with my amp on tutut, now I have no bass -____- I am shit out of luck. I am also seriously considering moving out of my house into an apartment for the rest of the year because I can't stand my parents any longer. It is driving me up the fucking wall. I bet once I leave they will realize how much I do for this house and they will miss me and want me back ;D  I still haven't been eating well and I feel like a huge ass because I promised Carla I would and I was for a while then I went so fucking downhill when I ate 2 bags of Oreos within a 24 span of time -____- I suck and don't deserve to live :P I keeedddd...I just need to get my ass in gear and motivate myself. I also need a better job with daytime hours which will give me more evenings to do what I'd like. Friends are great and I have been making more plans lately :)  The band thing is coming along. We need to fit in more practices, and that right there is another example of while it would be better if I had a daytime job! Then we could practice more! anyway, I am in a great mood and that has something to do with a certain someone as usual :3

I am not going to check my grammar and spelling because I am lazy so GOODNIGHT

goodnight.

: ) I'm smiling

Lady of mine, lady of mine,
I love you now,
I loved you back when,
and when the time comes to say it,
I will love you then.

i love you

: )

5.

i don't know if I can name five people who mean  a lot to me without wanting to list other people...like I need a larger list...it wouldn't be fair.a sdflasjdfkasdjflasdfkasjdflkasd LIKE WTF lol
 : )