I'm Not The One

It is summer time again, there is only one thing that bothers me now...we never carry a conversation...whenever I say something it is always these one lined responses I get like, "wow" :Oh my: etc... I want to be able to talk with you not say something and have it end on "oh dear." But I guess it is also me...always making stupid immature jokes that makes it hard for you to take me seriously and it probably gets old after a while. But the one thing I don't want is to have to think about this every time we have a conversation. I don't want to try and force conversation either. :/ lol I don't know what I want exactly but I know we are happy so I think that is what really matters.  Oh sweet summer time :3

The main thing is that I don't want two weeks of this "summer" to last and have to wait for July again for you to be happy. It is tiring seeing you upset all the time. I just want you to give an effort. Like yesterday and now...don't you think I am upset about alley?  Yes I am but I made the effort yesterday to be happy and cheery with you...yeah I talked about it but I didn't mope about it the whole time because I want to be able to laugh, and smile and have fun with you. You shouldn't have to hope mope with me because I am feeling crummy. That wouldn't be fair. But I was faking being happy...just because I am putting in that extra effort to be happy doesn't mean I am faking it. Actually after I put in that extra effort I don't regret it because I am relieved that I am happy. It feels good to be happy with you. I just want you to do that with me when the New Year comes around please. That is all I ask babe. We can have our summer all year long if we both make that effort : ) will you?

Have you ever seen the sky, when the sun and moon collide?

That was depressing. There is this difference in understanding I don't think you realize and I understand now why like you get upset with me. It is because we aren't on the same level. You treat music as a hobby and I treat it as a career. Both are VERY different things and if you are going to do things my way or the "career" way it will be much more serious, more challenging, more stressful and MUCH MORE time consuming. That is why I get intense. Honestly, I haven't changed since you first met me. I was doing this exactly the same with my music. Same intensity but I don't think you realized that yes we are reading the same book but we are both on two very different pages. You are on page 62 Chapter 3 Hobby. I am on page 306 Chapter 30 Career.

This is what I want to do with the rest of my life! It is like when you do your healthcare work and stuff and I know sometimes doing that work must get stressful but imagine it the same way for me. Get these recordings done is my homework. What makes it more stressful is that I have other people working on my "homework" with me. I try to get as much as I can get done in one session and I have told you this. So if I am trying to rush things and I say shut up...I am sorry, there is stress involved because if I don't get enough material ...then I can't finish my homework...example, Screeech I still haven't finished. We need to have you come and finish it still.

Honestly, I don't want to worry about this anymore. I know you are right though, I need to keep you in the loop and let you know what I am doing and keep in touch with you better because you love, worry and care about me and I was wrong for not doing that. I am sorry Carla, I love you so much. We just have to be understanding from both sides now.

also, just adding, I don't want you to feel like i am ignoring you guys because I am playing with someone else.  This could end up being more serious. You know that. If it happens then I will be happy...i just want you to be happy for me if it does instead of possibly bitter.

I love you, you know that...when you think about it...if any of this comes inbetween you and I then that will be silly. I love you too much for any of this to get in the way but I am going to go after this. After all, you motivated me even further ;D

I love you

Goodnigth.

shh..be quiet, you might piss somebody off

I just hit my funny bone on a chair and my entire hand has gone numb asldfjasldkfajsd it is very weird  .dflaksjdf

So I think I have stressed you out a lot lately and that was one thing i wished i would never do. I don't wnat to stress you out and I have been and it is not nice for me nor you. I am  sorry. : ( i just really don't know what to say... I feel really really bad. I wish I had said, take it for granted that I never bother you, too late for that now eh? : (  I just want you to me so happy and without any stress. I am also sorry that I am stressing you out around...this time, if you know what I mean. It just makes things tem times worse and I hate myself for doing this to you. I feel terrible and I know you are going to tell me not to but I do : ( and I am sorry.
I am tired and hungry so I am going to go eat then sleep but thank you for everything thing you have done for me and thank you for putting up with evertything. I love you so much and I want you to be so very happy.

Goodnight my love

What I want I'll take, what I don't I'll break

Hey, I haven't written to you in a while mister blogger. Tell put things short. My life is pretty good but I am not making the most of it. Our generation is being called the LAZIEST GENERATION  and I have lots to show for that. I am not proud of it and I want to do better. On the other hand, I have been writing songs, I actually just got my bass taken away around 2am because I was playing it with my amp on tutut, now I have no bass -____- I am shit out of luck. I am also seriously considering moving out of my house into an apartment for the rest of the year because I can't stand my parents any longer. It is driving me up the fucking wall. I bet once I leave they will realize how much I do for this house and they will miss me and want me back ;D  I still haven't been eating well and I feel like a huge ass because I promised Carla I would and I was for a while then I went so fucking downhill when I ate 2 bags of Oreos within a 24 span of time -____- I suck and don't deserve to live :P I keeedddd...I just need to get my ass in gear and motivate myself. I also need a better job with daytime hours which will give me more evenings to do what I'd like. Friends are great and I have been making more plans lately :)  The band thing is coming along. We need to fit in more practices, and that right there is another example of while it would be better if I had a daytime job! Then we could practice more! anyway, I am in a great mood and that has something to do with a certain someone as usual :3

I am not going to check my grammar and spelling because I am lazy so GOODNIGHT

goodnight.

: ) I'm smiling

Lady of mine, lady of mine,
I love you now,
I loved you back when,
and when the time comes to say it,
I will love you then.

i love you

: )

5.

i don't know if I can name five people who mean  a lot to me without wanting to list other people...like I need a larger list...it wouldn't be fair.a sdflasjdfkasdjflasdfkasjdflkasd LIKE WTF lol
 : )

6.

1. I wish I hadn't let you drink
2. I wish I hadn't been annoy when I was younger
3. I wish I hadn't spent my money
4. (saving this spot for later...don't think I will use it though)
5. (saving this spot for later...don't think I will use it though)
6. (saving this spot for later...don't think I will use it though)

siigghhh...WALRUS BALLS

If there is one thing i really don't want to do right now, it is BLOGGING! Yet, here I am ranting about it. SO, why is blogging sooooo amazing huh? Why do people rave about their blogs? Because they can actually fucking BLOG. Can I?  No. I actually used to go over in detail my daily events and what not and then edit them and make them really fun to read...that got boring...then I met this fantastic girl and ever since then alllll my 'blogs' have been about and for her. Why you may ask? That IS NOT THE ISSUE RIGHT NOW! I'll talk about that AFTER I am done this blog. ....never mind....sigh, this blog is going no where...here I am saying that retelling my day is boring...yet I am about to do it.

sooooooooooooooooo....today I got up very tired for work and went down to Bay & Boor and went straight to the Cineplex theater I work at. I was there for 6 hours and I maybe served 6 people the entire time asdfjlasdkfjasldk WTF that is like and costumer an hour!!! k, no I didn't acutally get only 6....that is stupid lol but still YOU GET MY POINT. The entire time I texted Carla and I did absolutely NOTHING alskdfjalsdkfjasdlf all I wanted to do was go home, chill and write some music. Anyway...now I'm here and I really don't want to blog so I am going to finish and go back to talk to the greatest gal I've ever met :?

P.S.

WALRUS BALLS>>> NOMNOM

Goodnight.

Never in my life have I felt so happy to make someone this happy. I don't know how to even explain it. I am completely out of words. Every moment spent with you is a new pallet of moments to caress the mind with in later years. You are the reason I stand right now. I was a lonesome soul. I sat in a basement, slept until 3pm and didn't eat. Now you've revived me. You've given me a reason to live each day and I am more than thankful for that. If you were to ever leave me then I might as well drop dead.

Yesterday was amazing and I am so glad you enjoyed it. 

I want you to know that as long as I am around you never have to thank me because no matter what I will always be here. Take everything I do for granted but lets apprecitate each other's company forever

I love you Carla

: )

7.

1. Carla Abreu
2. Carla Abreu
3. Carla Abreu
4. Carla Abreu
5. Carla Abreu
6. Carla Abreu
7. Carla Abreu

8.

1. Be honest
2. A smile is always nice
3. Be supportive in whatever I want to do
4. Being shy is alright, as long as I know you love me
5. Make me smile and laugh
6. Be you, nothing else
7. (Give me space when I need it.) <--stolen from Carla >:]
8. Make me feel special, like...can't really put it into words....but I can say that you do that to me Carla :3

Modern Guilt

Today you faced your own mother, I thought I would being doing it because I had to prove something...but you proved something else to me. That you love me. You did it for us becuase we both want this and we will not let anything get in the way,
that includes parents.

I felt guilty for letting you do it but now I am looking at it from your point of view and I appreciate what you did so much. I love you for it. Right after you did it, I felt I had nothing to lose at that point and I went right in and told my own mom, and just having everyone know makes me feel great. I want the whole world to know what we have because it is special. We have something most people don't and we will never let that change. And we did make a promise. A promise I will never forget Carla. I promise again and always.

I love you Carla.

The Love That Grew For Them

So surreal yet so honestly true, our relationship really has skyrocketed to an all time high. The way it has evolved since over a week ago is incredible. I just remember that point where I really loved you so much that I had to tell you. And I am not afraid to tell you over and over because it feels so right.




I haven’t actually blogged in a while and after reading your blog I felt like I had something similar to tell you because it made me so happy to read what you wrote.


That fact that I have been able to tell you everything is amazing. You don’t judge me and you love me just the same. I respect you so much and you are amazing. Like you said, even our chemistry has gone over the top. I feel like writing until I literally cannot anymore but no matter what I type and say ...it will never equal my love for you.


Thank you,


For being my friend and more, for being someone I can always trust and talk to, for being yourself with me, for being honest, for being the most beautiful person I have ever met, and for what it is all worth, thank you Carla for entering my lonely dismal life and bringing me back to life.






I love you so much

 : )

9.

1. I am way too easily ammused....action figures much?
2. I don't have many people you can call my "real" friends
3. I break everything i touch
4. I ask too many questions
5. I am ADHD...incase you didn't know >: D
6.I pitty homophobes...a lot
7. I used to think I was bi
8. I am very very very stubborn
9. I have to you agree with you, i couldn't be any more lucky at this point in my life...i got this wonderful flower :3

10.

1. I'll take care of you
2. Why?
3. I am sorry
4. You are a sixteen year old trying to act 25, shut the fuck up -__-
5. You are getting old
6. You need to chill sometimes
7. I love you man, no homo...k maybe a bit
8. So cash
9. You are soooo  annoying but I love you man
10. I love you too, so much

So what do I call this?

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.


Day Two: Nine things about yourself.

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

Day Seven: Four turn offs.

Day Eight: Three turn ons.

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

Day Ten: One confession

?

Who killed the man?
>: D

Sigh

From drafts, July 17th 2010 ...shortly after I wrote you a letter and talked you ...look back to the 17th

"sigh" was my FB status for a while and now I'm talking about my sigh. I sighed for only one reason and it's a reason I don't even have to say : ) But Now I'm not sighing but smiling in a rather happy way. Everything feels good...if you know what I mean : )  ahah, I'm know I 'm a huge lame geek but


...I never finished this post


...I'm a huge lame geek but...

who is she?

From drafts, June 1st 2010

I don't know, she must be pretty cool though. For the last month or two, I can't remember exactly now but I've had this odd feeling of "love?" or that feeling when you like someone, that has been coming out of nowhere. I don't know, I talked about it in one of my earlier blogs though. So now I am deciding who it is and it is difficult and not difficult to say...oh man, it's just like asldkjasldkgjasd though ... you know? You want to pin point it but you can't...but i've been numbering down the people and who it could be and it is becoming possibly more clear to me who it might be. So, if you where me and you knew, what would you do? For three years I haven't actually liked someone, it has to be someone that's worth it, you know? I don't want to go after someone who is a jerk...someone that will waste my time...I want to be with someone who enjoys my company and  I'd like to enjoy theirs.

My Unintended Choice

From drafts, June 12th 2010

A grey window upon the land my mind has been put to ease
But mere allowance does not submit me to actions of unthoughtful speed
The beast that worried a mind is no beast and the flower that is cherished is blossiming ever more
Must i think or wait for the approach that shall approach us in time?
The musing that was taken is now certain to my gentle mind

Green

I thought I would blog an hour or two ago. An hour or two ago I read your blog and it really made me admire you and also put the largest smile on my face. I just realized that I feel as though I need to like "match" your blog lol but it isn't about who blogs better or worse...I think it has become about being honest with each other and I know now that we have such a huge bond and that includes trust.  I sometimes feel as though I am repeating myself you, which I know you hate repeating things :P , but to tell you the truth I could repeat it over and over again and it would never get old. i really respect you and admire you a lot for your trust in certain individuals and I feel really lucky to have you in my life as some you care and trust.
















































































That large space ...is how  much I love you ^that much...see... :3 just another format...

I'm speechless, i can never put it into words...ever.  it's too much...I've sitting talking to you  trying to figure out what to type for this last sentence...I don't ...i can't really put it into words




i love you.

>: D HI BILLY!

Another letter full of words

Today I got a letter,
You say it wasn't much
But it meant a lot,
Short or longer,
Lined or not,
It is the words the paper held that still made me smile,
And I must thank you,
You are smart,
You knew I'd love it
and I did :3


Thank you for being there for one of the best birthdays ever : )   not to mention that I also got the best birthday present ever.

I know we say we don't have to thank each other so I'm going to say....you're amazingly awesome : )

Thanks...

: ) Thanks,
you deserve the thanks : )




btw I post two blogs..incase you only see one ;D don't miss any! >: ( xD

Just saying/....

I bring myself to an epiphany, to trust the ones closest to you. They keep you close because you trust them. They are close to you becuase you trust them.  I'll stop worrying :3 

Night


: )

hey man, please read this

I should probably talk to you in person but I'm not here to be your enemy...I guess I kinda just showed up out of now where....I guess it sucks but to her you are no less of a friend. I’m not in the way; in your mind I am in the way...today was I guess an accident..My cousin wanted to go to the pool so we went and we want to meet you and her. But like today you spent the day with her...I guess you were really awkward...I don't want you to have to be like then when you are in a group or just with her alone. You are cool, you are a good friend to her. I know that for a fact. I need to leave for work and I'm doing this quick but I really mean it. Please, please, please don't feel I’m in the way...I guess maybe you guys have a bit less time together now but you are still like a brother to her. And we all care about you man. I even care about you. The fact that you feel abandoned is really bothering me. I don't want you to feel that way at all. Can we please talk?

just enjoy the day

Enjoy the day,
Take it's breeze,
And let it guide you,
Not the breath of the distant man,
Not the hand of the soul unknown,
Make yourself happy and go where life takes you

...yeah


: D

hey,what's up ?

Not much, and not much to say isn't already known. I wrote in my journel and I will agree with you Giz...It would be a bitch write stuff out again. But I will say that having and you and your sister back has totally turned my summer around. I guess I didn't wait all summer to ask but I knew before you left that the day you got back I would ask you. I kinda just knew and then half way through the summer I was like oh shit, lol, I need to ask her....but I couldn't -____-   :3           


ANYHOW! August 11th, probably one the best days this summer if not the best....k.. I won't lie ahah THE BEST DAY OF THIS SUMMER 2010!!!!


kkk gotta go take care of my cousin -__-

night giz

k i'm off to bed

you're fucking awesome

There is this person who likes this poet.































































































































The poet finally has you :D

We're Captive On The Carousel Of Time

I remember when I was counting from like 43 more days and now I just realized how much happened during that time...lots! So much time has passed and most of it was spent waiting. It took a while to just enjoy what I got over here but at the same time, knowing two of the best people you know have left you and aren't here kinda sucks...a lot. I have had so much to think about during this last month...stuff I didn't realize I had even thought about but now I realize so many different things....I guess you could say that I'm finally growing up. While everyone else was growing up I was still hanging onto the past. I couldn't let go but now I realize that I have to. This next year off will finally give me the chance to plan my future but everything I just said isn't going to change who I am. I'm still me and will always will be me : ) My friends and people closest to me will always come before me because if I didn't have them...life would not be worth living.

Anyway, I guess I got a little of track : ) but that's okay, now there is only hours until you get back at I probably won't get to sleep too well because I'm to excited to see you gals : )) I really can't wait...such a long month ...yet...it went by like that...

I'll see you later today Giz

: )

: )

Get home safe.

: )

ouch

my back hurts




>: (

Everything will be cool

I've thought about sooooooo much lately and it is not stressing me out : ) I'm just going to live each day and see what happens next : )

I like to over think things

Everything good,



A timeless memory of the past,


Unknown future,


Dreams murdered,


Like a slow poison,


It cancers the mind,


And you weep to be a child,


Once more,


“Bring it back, bring it back”, you shout


As they lock you away for the mentally ill.






You are a breach of god’s tragic flaw,


They must hide it,


Keep it safe,


You are “it”






Why live this life of brutality?


Slaves to achievement,


Accomplishments are illusions,


Oasis is a fictional escape,


There is no escape,


Only death.


But the death of you will only be of passing of age,


For you are the fault of god,


To murder one’s self would be murder by god.






There is no escape,


So what do people say?


“Suck it up,”


“Deal with it,”


They are right now,


It is bullshit that is true


But there are ones to love,


Ones to cherish that make this miserable life worth listening to


On replay


Replay


Replay


Replay






Replay






Replay










Replay










Replay






Replay






But keep them close to you,


You may lose your sanity to a lifetime of eternal weeping










So what is my life...my life is great. This poem is not a reflection of myself or my life at all...it is a reflection of certain points in my life...what do you do with those moments? You struggle and look to blame some other person or thing rather than yourself but we must look to us and say we are the only ones that can pull ourselves through the shitty times in life. Life sucks sometimes but life does not suck for me. I have people I love and care about; I have a passion and a passion worth pursuing. I must hold onto those people in my mind and always remember them no matter where I go and what I do but most importantly, make this life worth living. People tell us that all the time but when you think about it... they are right you know. We only got one shot, why not make it all a pleasant memory so that when we look back we have no regrets....obviously I’m in one of my philosophical moods...I’m just tired xD but sometimes I like to over think things. : )


anyway, asldfjalsdfkajsdf LOL now my head hurts xD





Goodnight.

Resistance

Remember the child's mind we used to own?
We owned  it and didn't care,
Nothing mattered,
All taken for granted,
Don't you miss that?


I think I'm still there but here,
Everyday I try to bring myself to reality
But I can't escape my fate,
Unknown,
I have to be brave,
Start making the choices,
Breaking the barriers of limitation and achievement
And make a name for myself.


There is more to be told,
I know in my mind,
Got to push,
Make it work,
Make happen.


Easy said....now do it Jesse








Goodnight.

a lost friend...found again

I haven't seen you in months and we talked about geting drunk and painting lol. You're an awesome friend and I miss talking to you! We had so many fun ideas! Like writing a graphic novel about life and other crazy ideas. I miss playing music and just chilling and sleeping over at your place. We used to hangout everyday and it was great. : ) I'm lucky to have you as a friend but I'll take the blame for us not hanging out -_____- I don't know why we haven't : (  I guess I got too busy and self occupied with my own stuff and I ignored you  which is a horrible excuse and that is terrible because you are an amazing person. The one of many important things I've learned from you is to be free and live life to its fullest. You are so open minded to so many things and I love it. There are very few people I admire in my life but the ones I do I care about the most. You are one of those people and we need to see each other more. You are always a friend I can depend upon but I won't lie that sometimes you are just flat out hard to reach ahah : ) but I miss having you around and I hope we'll see each other soon.  

: )




Goodnight.

Mii LOLZ

LOLOL SO! Danny was over the other day and I said HEY! lets make some new Miis on my Wii sooooooo WE MADE SAM, CARLA AND DANNY.....And MEE!!!!  SAM was an OMF because we could find her air or eyes tutututututut lol but we called her sam anyways xD CARLA we got spot on!!!! LOLOLOL we made her really short : 3 With love? >:))    Lol, I SWEAR WE GOT EVERYTHING ON YOU GIZ!! LOL, and then we Did danny who ended up looking like Peter Choa xDDD CHOW OUTSIDE MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!!! Lol, I guess it doesn't really matter right? As long as the mii looked asian then it would basically look like danny xDD LOLOL SSSOOO RACIST : O I LOVE YOU DANNY NO HOMO!! : D LOL So we were like LOL LETS PLAY WII BASEBALL AND SEE WHAT CARLA LOOKS LIKE BATTIN!!!!! LOL and then all of a sudden you were REALLY TALL AND YOU HAD LEGS! Loooooll I was imagining if you were there then you would have been like "LOOK HOW TALL I AM" yeah you looked pretty fucking G xD I won't lie ahah. Anyway...it is 3:30 and I'm dying LOL I HAVE WORK TODAY SO NIGHT : ) I'll talk to you soon lol

NIGHT CARLA! HAVE AN AWESOME DAY! : D

New friends < cool xD

A Turkey friend,
No,
Not a really turkey,
No,
LOL,
Not a fool,
she's kind and nice,
thinks i'm hot ;D
.....LOL, she thinks I'm pretty : 3
xD She's from Turkey...
Kinda random...
Is this supposed to be a poem?
WTF
LOL ....k
just read my fb inbox ;D

no homo man

I'm sweaty, hot and covered in paint yet I still sit here right away after I finish work just so I can blog to you right away. Sigh...i don't know if i can write this seriously with Danny next to me -____- lol, he laughed as soon as he read "I'm sweaty" and I'm loling as I write "i'm sweaty" danny is breaking my bass but shit happens. LOL OMG DANNY IS HURTING MY EARS!!!!!!!!!! ooooowwwwwww fuck you bitch he read that and grabbed my fucking ear >: ((((((

well anyways,

I sit with a  fool,
A cool fool,
Who is a fool,
But that is not to say I am not a fool,
I'm a fool but not at heart,
I care but that is not to say he doesn't,
This poem is a little of course,
I think it is because he is here
but I'll say with him here because I care care,
That I really miss you
I like you a lot
And hope to see you really soon

: )


-____- danny you suck a piano , il ove you no homo man >: D

Message in a bottle; I'll send my S.O.S to the world, I hope that someone gets my message in a bottle

My computer is still messed up but that's okay. Today I feel kinda bored but I know there things for me to but I don't want to do them...like clean my room and doing the laundry... So I guess now I better time than never. Lol, I got to get some shit done!! So it's 11:11 am and I guess that doesn't count but if you're from my world then it does ;D can you imagine what I wiser for? I'm a pretty obvious guy, I used to hind the truths behind words that described words but now I feel truthful. Take a guess >:D

So I have work today at two, I'm going to give myself 45 min to get to work from now on because I got to stop being late. It's not responsible. Honestly, the last 48 hours has been me trying to say everything thAt is going on in my head. I feel like such a lazy ass right now laying on my bed while typing this with my thumbs. I should be cleaning my room and making it look nice! I should especially get that done before you and your sister come over -____- lol, but it is okay that I'm typing this because I'm writing for me and you : ) I think I might just keep rambling on so I can give something to read and hopefully smile at until your cheeks hurt and swell up from smiling too hard that we have to take you to the hospital to remove the grin off your face. Wait....I mean would that be terrible LOL well and wonderful at the same time I guess lol. I have a feeling you may be grinning right now xD

So yesterday when I was with Danny and my friend Gianfranco we hung out and stuff but coming back from the park we were at I had dne something to my knee which happens every few months but I was awoken up underneath my kneecap and I can't walk without walking with huge sharp piercing pains in my knee D: but I think I'll be able to manage : )

So let's ask myself, (this is going to be long...I have a feeling :3) why do I write to you? I write to you because I really like you and you're worth writing to, especially to hear that my blogs made you happy. But why do I like you? This is a list that could go on for ages, it's everything from your personality to the way treat others, all the way to the music you listen and our common and uncommon interests. You're an awesome person all the around and I'd love to elaborate on this list but my time is running short. I admire you for a lot of things too, such as the way you treat others, the way you try and figure things out for yourself I,e. Portugal, the fact that you are one of the most supportive friends I've ever met. Carla, I could keep talking ahah but thanks for being an awesome person. These last 48ish hours have allowed me to tell you so much and I'm really glad because I don't want to hold anything back with you.

Well, I ought to go clean my room because it deserves a makeover xD I'm going to strip it clean .^ lol that's what she said :?

Miss you! But I know well be seeing each other soon : )
Talk to you soon Carla
Hopefully sooner than I think.


Bye : )

Omg

Sorry for rambling so much below. It's just everything on my mnd spurted out into a blog :)

Falling away with you...

It's funny, I already have 70 blogs.... That's a lot to look back at :) Anyway, I am reallyreally happy that we got to talk today. Just the fact that I allowed myself to be open with you made this so much easier on the both of us. I'll never be like that again, it was dumb and I trust you a lot. I shouldn't have to be worried about telling you these things and I'm not.

I wonder what exactly am I going to do for the next two weeks while waiting for your return. Probably I'll think about you arriving and the first thing we'll do. Maybe we'll go to christie right away. Just knowing someone is thinking about me and knowing I'm thinking of them makes me really happy.

There is so much to do but I need to learn to open my head up a bit. When you left that day, it was just nick and I chasing that car with huge gens on our faces but even as we tried to chase you I felt this big empty feeling even though I was smiling...it sucked and I said to nick,"what do we do now?" it was honestly such a terrible empty feeling. And for weeks I still had "what do I do now?" stuck in my head...I need to wake up a bit a realize that I can still think about you and enjoy my life. I know you'd want me try to have a great time and I am now. For the last week I've been making the most of it. But there are still things I bed to do... Like, I miss running and that was one of the things I'd promise myself I'd start doing again but here I am...not running at all. Starting Monday I'm going to go for my first full run in over a year. Itwill be good for me : )

I'll be reading what you message me everyday as soon as I can. As long as I get to keep on touch with you some how then that's alrigt. I won't but when you said you have internet I actually got so happy :) I'm a dork like that I guess but just knowing we'll be to keep in touch also gave my mind a little rest.

Though you've been gone I remember you told me to smile and to be happy and I took that to heart. I mean I shouldn't be moping that you're gone, I should be happy that you are having such a great time for yourself over there :) and I am. I've found things to do and I'm making an effort to keep myself busy but everyday seems to have this empty hole in it. But now it doesn't ...I'm just not worried anymore. I want to have as much fun as I can each day because it's important to stay positive and happy : ) but I know I'll be seeing you soon :) and each day that I try to enjoy as much as possible will go by faster. As long as we are happy and having a great time, we will see each other sooner than we think.

I really happy for you, for being happy and looking forward to everything when you get back : ) it's admirable. You're such a positive person. And you know what :) I'm sure your parents are gong to be so so happy to see you :) I'm picturing it.

But I'm also looking forward to seeing Adri. She is such an important person in my life and she's taught me more than sh thinks. I miss sitting with her and talking to her about life or even just sittn in silence with her. She's such an awesome person and one of my greatest friends but I also feel guilty. I have to tell you and I've told her already but I feel that during the last few weeks you were in Toronto I sort of shifted away from her a lot because I was focusing a lot of my time with you and I told her I how douchey it was for me to do that. I love your sister to bits and promised I would never hurt her but that counts doesn't it? I know I'll make a better effort because you mean a lot to me, she means a lot to me, your her sister and she's your sister and I love you both.

That was just something I had to tell you.

So as I wait I also enjoy life :) what better way to wait for your return than enjoying myself each day :) I hope the exact same goes for you too! And dont worry, I'm not paranoid anymore :D

I'm smiling still from seeing your face this morning and even more after reading your amazing blog. Lol and yes I t tis my fault for making you smile thrifty and I'm so glad it as me ;D

I missed 1111 but I'd like to guess your wish when you get back :3

And you're not an airhead!!!! >:( you're one of the smartest people I know. You understand these things and you care aboutthem :D you're totally awesome. Omg I'm falling asleep and my figures are killing me from
typing on the iPod. But writing this is all worth it. It is 4am now and I should probably go to sleep but I know we will see each other soon :) and I just want to say that your blog was so amazing and touching , it really hnestly was, but before I go...well I guess I already told you how my day went at work and with Danny tut lol .............hmmmm I bouht TWO MUSE albums!!!!! Omg omg I am falling asleep. Okay Carla, I miss you so much and son is close by in my world : )

I'll talk to you soon,

Love,

Jesse


Ps I have to say again that your blog was great. I actually tear because it was so honest and happy and the thng about yu parents and all :) okay I need sleep but I just want to say :)

Night.

There is this person who likes this poet.










That poet likes you

Being open

Being open would be easier if one could see the person they wish to confront ...would that settle the mind? I think so.

The Poet (the truth)

 Dear kind reader, if you are reading this then please start by reading "Poet Alive" then "Poet Dead" which are the two blogs before this one. In order to hear the truth you must read my lies then read the truth so you know that I have lied.

 Thank you

This is the conclusion of a poet's tale and a tale well told. The poet learns the mystery and hides the truths. He knows lies and feeds them first but hides the truths. The Poet Alive is not a poet but a man with desire for making a truth into an artful law or maybe he tells his seeker his painted thoughts to allow his seeker to paint one similar. In that very case the Poet Alive is a fraud but how can that be true? The Poet Alive shares his pain and glory and hopes to paint a world with no hidden thoughts and desires...the fact is that I am the Poet Alive and I once was the Poet Dead but have learned to live...but the fact that I claim myself to be the Poet Alive would then be a lie. I cannot live up to the truths of being such a person if I claim to be him because already by hiding my own true thoughts behind this fictional character is a lie.  The fact is I write for you to tell you the truth and because I love to write for you. I write for you because you give the desire to write. You're worth writing for and evoke so much imagination from my mind that it is incredible. This is why I enjoy writing for you and about you. But most importantly because when I write, I write what I truly mean. I'm sorry, I know you may think this whole thing odd. I'm an odd person.. The whole "poet" shit was me trying to cover up for the intensity of my blogs but I want to be honest and this is me being as honest as I truly can with you. So I write these blogs each day for you so you may read them and enjoy them. I mean every word that's written in them. They aren't a filter for me. They are for you to read because I want you to know what I'm thinking and that I care. I'm going insane, not literally of course xD but I wait everyday hoping to talk to you...lol not in the creepy way and not sitting by the computer all day either xD  I must admit I have fallen for you quite hard but I hope that doesn't creep you out aha lol, I know this whole thing must seem pretty lame to you but I really like you. I think that's all I've really wanted to tell you these last few you weeks through my blog. If I could just tell you, to you, like to your face....You're an awesome person for every reason I've said and I meant every word. You make things so much for cheerful and brighter when you're around. I would rather talk to you about the rest of this ...kinda in person.LOL, webcam? xD


-____________________-  fuck me....I feel like such an idiot saying all this to you...I'm so lame but I mean... I'm just trying to be open.....T______T...isn't that a good thing? I mean everything.  I think if I .....am I being paranoid? lol okay I think I got my mind straight....this entire page I've written is alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll my thoughts AAAALLLLLLLLLL OVER THE PLACE RIGHT NOW!

I think this is the first thing I've written  that has  ACTUALLY allowed me to filter my thoughts out :) like I kinda just feel relieved for whatever reason....


--_________________________--- sigh, lol tututututututututututututut (carla) (carla) (carla) (carla) (carla)  can we just talk later today? :)  ..about this?            






Goodnight.

Poet Dead

 The Poet Dead writes for himself not for the love, not for the care. The Poet Dead had written a message but the Poet Alive tells his story. The Poet Alive writes for the truth. The Poet Alive has now been born. Live his mind and share his duty and percieve the meaning within your mind and accept it and paint your portrait alive.

Poet dead,

Poet dead,

You tell me you love me,

In a moment the words fill the mind,

The mind is given the slight chance to feel happy,

But why feel happy when one can feel lust?

But why even feel lust when you are given the chance to stay away from either.

You tell me you love me,

Lust,

no.

Happiest.

not the slightest.

Do you love me with care or only because it's easy?

Do you spread "love" with the tip of your tongue in a single word

or embrace its meaning and praise it for a life time?

You mutter the very word without a moments care,

You expect a reaction but I give a shoulder.

The Poet dead is not alive

To feel the lust and the love not given

It must be alive,

Love is alive,

The mere act of liking is alive,

The emotion is alive,

But death is not alive,

Poet alive,

Poet alive,

Please don't die,

Poet alive.

You share your meaning,

Not to hide,

Only to help understand

The poet alive.

I am the poet alive, I am not a curse or a moment to be glanced over. There is an embrace we share and I care because the poet alive has learned to live and not to die. The thoughts that arise within the mind must not be forgotten or diminished, but perceived  upon first glance and understood. These thoughts are no curse but a portrait that may be further painted to ones liking. How will you paint your portrait?

-Poet Alive

Poet Alive

For the poet alive there are words to be mantled together for true meaning but must be sought out for true definition. Not everything may be clear at first glance like looking through a crystal ball, clear as the crystal its made of but like trying to peer through mud, but the truth can only be decided by the one who perceives it’s meaning.

Poet alive, 

Poet alive,

There is meaning that is alive,

The words are pictures,

The pictures thoughts,

Elaborated pictures of one's mind,

A definition of most important at present.

No controlling the mind,

It loves to live,

And alive it shall be.

Poet alive,

Poet alive,

Frame these mindful elaborations created,

Discover and learn their meaning

For it is great,

Poet alive,

Poet alive,

Never die,



Poet alive.

The poet lives not to hide but to share. Meaning is not hidden, it is only conveyed. 

perceives it’s meaning

It's 2:31 am and I can't even begin to phathom why I would still be up at this hour but I am...I writing blogs. I always choose to do at this time sigh....why -____- well I do, but this is a blog just saying why I do. But why do I do it? Because I have something worth writing for...well, I guess that still doesn't explain why I do it at this time xD lol


tutut

I think I need sleep

: D

GOODNIGHT!


Btw, I hope we will talk soon

Doing alright

I'm sitting outside Timothy's coffee shop right now. I'm on my break but I'm kinda bored so I thought now would be a great time to write something. I mean I don't have anything new to talk about xD I'm listening to the cancer bats right now! I bought their new album today. I think I love them now. They are fricking great! I just finished eating some totem fruz and I just probably go across the street to pick up some tooth paste because my mom hasn't bought me any xD well blogger, I'm just letting you know how I am. I'm keeping myself slightly happy and I'm living life with a little more meaning :D okay my break is almost over and I still need to pick up tooth paste lol.

Talk to you soon



Goodnight.

hello little lady

hello little lady : ( 

you're mean : (

you left me all alone : (

you said i could never be an asshole >:D

and now I'm being one D:

you left me all alone :'(

I'm just kidding : DDDDD

      

         /\

      /     \

    /       \/

  /    I've learned to like you even more :)

/     This parting has been good :/

|     WHY HAS IT BEEN?!!

|  

 ----For that reason : D and more

ahah I don't know where this is going

tutut

(carla)

I've been (carla)ing a lot lately tutut

Jesse's fault? >: D

It's always my fault sssiiiiggghhhhh :P

btw, tututut I don't like the Nightmare video!

KILL ME IF YOOU MUST!!!

I DON"T LIKE THE VIDEO! DDDD:::::

now i'm an asshole : (

Because I truely dislike the video : (

oh well >: D

I DON"T LIKE IT!

okay....tutu Now I have no clue where I'm going with this

I thought the video had so much more potential

siighhhh D:

I'm sure there are other amazing songs on the album!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMGOMGGOMG I CAN"T WAAAAIITTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOLOLOOOOLLL I"M SOOO TIRED! OKAY 

I'll talk to you soon : )

btw my day was pretty meh xD I WORKED AND WATCHED INCEPTION AGAIN! 8DD

k

bye : )))

goodnight.

ps.  making that arrow was a bitch xDDDDD

HOLY MONKEY BALLS!!!!!!

HOLY MONKEY BALLS THE AS I LAY DYING CONCERT WASS SSSSSSSSSIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!  I FUCKING CROWD SURFED THAT DFLASDIJFASLDF  CROWD!!! ALL THE WAY TO THE FRONT! IT WAS AWESOME!  I MOOOSSHHHEDDD SSOOOOOOOO HHHHAARRRRDD TO BTBAM!! I CAME OUT ALLLLL WET!!! IT WAS AMAZING THOUGH! I GOT HIT IN THE FACE SO MANY TIMES AND I WAS LIKE (carla) (carla) (carla) (carla) (carla) (carla) AND THEN PIIIIMMMBBBAAAAA AND THEN FUCKING LASDKFJASLDFKJASDLFKASJDLFKASDF  HOLY SHIT CANCER BATS MAKE MY LLIIIFFFEEE HHHHAAIIIILLL DDDEESSTTTRROOYYYEERRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11  SOBATAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AWESOME COVER OF THE BEASTIE BOYS!  I WISH WISH WISH WISH WISH YOU COULD HAVE COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WAS FANTASTIC!!!! AT THE END FOR AS I LAY DYING THEY SPLIT THE FUCKING ROOM RIGHT DOWN THE CENTER AS THOUGH THEY WERE PARTING THE SEA LIKE FRICKING MOSES!!! AND THEN WHEN THE MUSIC HIT BIGGG  BBBBAAAAMMMM EVERYONE RAN AT EACH OTHER FROM EITHER ENDS AND BASHED INTO EACH OTHER!!!! PEOPLE WERE BLEEDY TOO!!! WWAASS SSOOOOOO METAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANYWAY! JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT THE CONCERT WAS GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :DDDDDD 

IMY


GOODNIGHTY>

Today is the big day! The concert is today! And then I'm going to party at James' place because it's George and James' last day in Canada DDDDDDDDDDDDDD: FRICKING PORTUGAL!

I just helped my step-dad move two stoves which where bitches to move xD Though is was not fun I'm glad I got  a workout :P 

Okay I'll blog more today, after I finish my chores